I give up.

I have no idea how I’m going to make it these next couple weeks. Idk what’s gonna happen these next couple months.

How I’ve gone this long without a full blown breakdown is beyond me.

People keep saying “things will get better.” Or “think positive.”

I know you don’t believe that shit so why should I?

I’m tired of life beating the shit out of me. I’m not even 21. I shouldn’t be this stressed.

 2
02 Jul 14 at 2 pm
tags: Personal 

I love cars.

But to be honest, I never really got into them mechanically.
Beyond standard checking oil and all that I never got into it.

My thing is computers. Hardware. Software. Wires and shit.

My dad was into cars. He always wanted me to help him work on the car and I always wanted him to help me take apart shit.

After a while we stopped asking.

I always felt like I failed him.

 2
19 Jun 14 at 8 am
tags: Personal 

Absolutely no communication for over 6 months and now since you just broke up with someone I’m “the only one I can really talk to.”

Really now?

FOH with that.

My parent’s marriage is falling apart and its incredibly depressing.

But the thing is.

I have no cable in my room.

This is all the drama I get.

I guess it will just have to entertain me until the depression consumes me. P

I smoke weed outside while my parents argue. I didn’t come home for this shit.

 2
14 Apr 13 at 10 pm
tags: personal 

Those fucking pills didn’t do shit.

That fucking therapist made me feel even worse by making my problems seem so easy to fix. 

I’m at the same point as I was last year and the year before and 2 years ago. 

Not even 20 fucking years old and have depression like a 65 year old widow.

How can you say depression isn’t real. As if it will just disappear overnight.

Nobody wants to be depressed. Nobody fakes this shit for attention. 

 5
14 Apr 13 at 9 pm
tags: personal 

I told her to stop talking. I didn’t want to hear what she had to say, but she was right. I’m fucking miserable.

I haven’t had a genuine smile in over 2 years.

I have missed all of my classes this past month and im dropping out.

I’m either sleep or chain smoking. Just something to keep me occupied.

I hate life and everything about it.

I’m lonely as hell and I tend to attach myself to “friends” and end up just being ignored.

I have a list of my faults as long as a criminals rap sheet. I can’t seem to find the light, if there will ever be one, in this dark tunnel. 

 1
14 Apr 13 at 9 pm
tags: personal 

Everyone I know is settling down. 

I can’t see me doing that right now. I have no idea why. I really want to. I’m tired of being alone and just doing the one night thing. 

Eh.

 1
30 Jan 13 at 10 pm
tags: personal 

I’m hanging out with you every day. I already told you I was falling for you but since you didn’t have those feelings for me I put mine on the back burner to salvage a friendship. It was great. Closest friend. But that love was still on the back burner just simmering.

So I tried again. We were incredibly close. We were seen together so much people mistaked us for a couple. You even mistaked us for a couple. I thought I had a chance, but apparently nothing changed. I’m not good enough.

So when you left I pretended again, but pretended I would miss you. Like I wanted you to stay but deep inside I didn’t want you here anymore. To see someone you love every day reject you twice is hard. So I don’t miss you. I don’t love you.

Fuck it.

 6
27 Jan 13 at 5 pm
tags: personal 

That’s how I feel every day I go to class. I barely made it through high school but I decided to follow my “dream” and go to college to be an engineer.

I thought I could do it, until I started going to class. These kids come from a family of engineers and scientists; professors and executives. They went to schools where they prepped them for engineering classes.

Where do I come from? A family of custodians. My family literally cleans shit for a living. I have nobody to motivate me. I have no precedence. I’m in a class full of geniuses and I feel like a slob.

I’m nothing. Nothing at all. Why am I even here? Why did I even convince myself that I could do this shit.

I didn’t understand until it was too late.

 2
11 Sep 12 at 2 am
tags: nau  personal 

I honestly have no problem with the people here. Although you do occasionally run into those who think higher of themselves.

Idk I’m not used to it here. Hostility and sarcasm are my defense mechanisms. I mean I just told my neighbors whom I’ve known barely 3 weeks that I was in a mental hospital for attempted suicide.

Before, I was just saying stuff because I was frustrated. Now I’m just depressed because I know when the semester is over that I wont have a home to go to.

Eh still doesnt excuse the way I’ve been acting toward the people who go to nau because they really want to be here. Honestly this is a great place.

I would apologize but I don’t believe in the whole “its the thought that counts” if it doesn’t even fix anything.

 1
20 Aug 12 at 12 am
tags: personal 

I want you to get one thing straight. I didn’t just wake up one day and decide I didn’t love you anymore. You pushed me away. Every time you treated me like shit I would love you a little less. And when you finally changed it was too late. But i;m not telling you this to make you feel bad or anything like that. I’m telling you so you can take it as a learning experience. Because I really want you to find someone who loves you for who you are. Because you are a lovely person when you let your guard down. Try not to push away anyone who wants to be a part of your life. No matter who it is, you never know. Try to be the great person I know you are. And don’t start giving me excuses to why you act that way because you have already told me many times. I don’t need to hear it anymore. I just hope you read this carefully and understand where i’m coming from. Be the better person I know is in you. Don’t use your past or problems as an excuse anymore. You are smarter than that. Move forward from here and achieve all your goals and dreams.

I’m still processing this. I’m not sure how to respond or if I should even respond. She was right on so many levels. I’ve blamed my past and myself when I should have been learning from it. I should have been progressing and not regressing. 

 26
07 Aug 12 at 12 am
tags: personal 

thematicphilosophy:

I have grown to understand that it’s ok to remember someone you used to care about. You just have to realize that the past isn’t always the past. There is always a time when things will come up and remind you of someone (like this post). I cared about her a lot. She cared about me even more, but we grew distant.

She grew out of herself and is lost. She will probably never be the girl I fell in love with. People change. I expect it. So I move on. Trouble is it’s hard to move on when you have nobody to move to. Sometimes it gets to me. It’s not her. It’s the fact that for my entire life I felt I meant nothing. I would never find someone who I would mean the world to. Then she comes along. My life is so twisted. Then I completely fuck it up. She is gone. My life is back to how it was before she came along. 

I don’t like it. Most people get with someone, break up, then start over. I have nothing, someone, then nothing. Only to be more miserable because I know how love feels.

Many would rather have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I would rather have nothing than have love then lose it. 

(via thematicphilosophy)