Those fucking pills didn’t do shit.

That fucking therapist made me feel even worse by making my problems seem so easy to fix. 

I’m at the same point as I was last year and the year before and 2 years ago. 

Not even 20 fucking years old and have depression like a 65 year old widow.

How can you say depression isn’t real. As if it will just disappear overnight.

Nobody wants to be depressed. Nobody fakes this shit for attention. 

I told her to stop talking. I didn’t want to hear what she had to say, but she was right. I’m fucking miserable.

I haven’t had a genuine smile in over 2 years.

I have missed all of my classes this past month and im dropping out.

I’m either sleep or chain smoking. Just something to keep me occupied.

I hate life and everything about it.

I’m lonely as hell and I tend to attach myself to “friends” and end up just being ignored.

I have a list of my faults as long as a criminals rap sheet. I can’t seem to find the light, if there will ever be one, in this dark tunnel. 

Everyone I know is settling down. 

I can’t see me doing that right now. I have no idea why. I really want to. I’m tired of being alone and just doing the one night thing. 

Eh.

I’m hanging out with you every day. I already told you I was falling for you but since you didn’t have those feelings for me I put mine on the back burner to salvage a friendship. It was great. Closest friend. But that love was still on the back burner just simmering.

So I tried again. We were incredibly close. We were seen together so much people mistaked us for a couple. You even mistaked us for a couple. I thought I had a chance, but apparently nothing changed. I’m not good enough.

So when you left I pretended again, but pretended I would miss you. Like I wanted you to stay but deep inside I didn’t want you here anymore. To see someone you love every day reject you twice is hard. So I don’t miss you. I don’t love you.

Fuck it.

That’s how I feel every day I go to class. I barely made it through high school but I decided to follow my “dream” and go to college to be an engineer.

I thought I could do it, until I started going to class. These kids come from a family of engineers and scientists; professors and executives. They went to schools where they prepped them for engineering classes.

Where do I come from? A family of custodians. My family literally cleans shit for a living. I have nobody to motivate me. I have no precedence. I’m in a class full of geniuses and I feel like a slob.

I’m nothing. Nothing at all. Why am I even here? Why did I even convince myself that I could do this shit.

I didn’t understand until it was too late.

I honestly have no problem with the people here. Although you do occasionally run into those who think higher of themselves.

Idk I’m not used to it here. Hostility and sarcasm are my defense mechanisms. I mean I just told my neighbors whom I’ve known barely 3 weeks that I was in a mental hospital for attempted suicide.

Before, I was just saying stuff because I was frustrated. Now I’m just depressed because I know when the semester is over that I wont have a home to go to.

Eh still doesnt excuse the way I’ve been acting toward the people who go to nau because they really want to be here. Honestly this is a great place.

I would apologize but I don’t believe in the whole “its the thought that counts” if it doesn’t even fix anything.

I want you to get one thing straight. I didn’t just wake up one day and decide I didn’t love you anymore. You pushed me away. Every time you treated me like shit I would love you a little less. And when you finally changed it was too late. But i;m not telling you this to make you feel bad or anything like that. I’m telling you so you can take it as a learning experience. Because I really want you to find someone who loves you for who you are. Because you are a lovely person when you let your guard down. Try not to push away anyone who wants to be a part of your life. No matter who it is, you never know. Try to be the great person I know you are. And don’t start giving me excuses to why you act that way because you have already told me many times. I don’t need to hear it anymore. I just hope you read this carefully and understand where i’m coming from. Be the better person I know is in you. Don’t use your past or problems as an excuse anymore. You are smarter than that. Move forward from here and achieve all your goals and dreams.

I’m still processing this. I’m not sure how to respond or if I should even respond. She was right on so many levels. I’ve blamed my past and myself when I should have been learning from it. I should have been progressing and not regressing. 

thematicphilosophy:

I have grown to understand that it’s ok to remember someone you used to care about. You just have to realize that the past isn’t always the past. There is always a time when things will come up and remind you of someone (like this post). I cared about her a lot. She cared about me even more, but we grew distant.

She grew out of herself and is lost. She will probably never be the girl I fell in love with. People change. I expect it. So I move on. Trouble is it’s hard to move on when you have nobody to move to. Sometimes it gets to me. It’s not her. It’s the fact that for my entire life I felt I meant nothing. I would never find someone who I would mean the world to. Then she comes along. My life is so twisted. Then I completely fuck it up. She is gone. My life is back to how it was before she came along. 

I don’t like it. Most people get with someone, break up, then start over. I have nothing, someone, then nothing. Only to be more miserable because I know how love feels.

Many would rather have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I would rather have nothing than have love then lose it. 

(via thematicphilosophy)

thematicphilosophy:

Depressing thoughts will always be racing through my head. It is up to me to decipher between what is a good thought and what is bad. I have come to accept that I am suffering from depression and anxiety. It is not a life threatening disease. I can work through this. 

I have come to accept that I am suffering from anger issues. I bottle things up until I explode. I have made plenty enemies because I am afraid to explain exactly what is going on. I do not know what is going on in my head. 

I am angry because I am losing the power I once had over my family

I am depressed because my self-esteem issues has affected my love life

I get anxious when I bottle my emotions.

I know what is wrong with me, yet I was so blind to it. 

(via thematicphilosophy)

thematicphilosophy:

It was just a minor inconvenience. Just a bug. 

Then it got me wondering. Is our life that insignificant? Can we be just bugs on the windshield of the universe? I mean think about it. As small as this planet is in the solar system. As many solar systems as there are in this galaxy. This universe. Can our lives be taken as fast as that bug hit my windshield? 

It has me wondering how I will die. Will I be a victim of a mugging gone bad. Will I be diagnosed with a terminal disease and have to fight to survive? Or will I live to 84 and die of natural causes? It is stressing me out. Giving me nightmares. One day I will not be here. That is my one fear. My one genuine fear. Death. It scares me.

I don’t want to leave with all the evil I have placed unto this world. I want to be prepared, for the unexpected. I want these nightmares to stop. 

(via thematicphilosophy)

thematicphilosophy:

I used to compare love to flowers. Particularly roses.

Everyone loves roses. They are beautiful flowers.
Their fragrance is unlike any other.
Each bud is unique in its own way.
In the beginning you tend to each bush with great detail
But as time passes you tend to let the bush grow on its own.

Pests and insects will eat away at your flower.
You can either kill them or let nature take its course.
The flower starts to lose its fragrance
The bright red bud loses it’s color
And the rose bush wilts.

(via thematicphilosophy)

thematicphilosophy:

Because women can make blind generalizations about men but we can’t do the same. 

If a woman were to say all men are the same, she would have an incredible amount of support. Everyone would agree with her that all men are bad and there are no good men out there. No matter how her dating history is.

If a man were to make the same generalization about women he would be bashed for being sexist. Women would go crazy and start throwing shit over someone saying they are all the same. 

Truth is… if you go into a relationship with the notion that it will end up like the last, then you will always be unhappy. How can you blame the future for what happened in the past? 

Also, stop getting with someone and trying to recreate a relationship you have seen before. That will never happen and will most likely fail. Why would you want a movie like relationship? Why would you want someone else’s relationship? What you don’t see is what happens when the cameras stop rolling and behind closed doors. You don’t see the actors going home because that is just a movie. You don’t see that “happy” couple arguing and fighting. 

Because women can make blind generalizations about men but we can’t do the same. 

If a woman were to say all men are the same, she would have an incredible amount of support. Everyone would agree with her that all men are bad and there are no good men out there. No matter how her dating history is.

If a man were to make the same generalization about women he would be bashed for being sexist. Women would go crazy and start throwing shit over someone saying they are all the same. 

Truth is… if you go into a relationship with the notion that it will end up like the last, then you will always be unhappy. How can you blame the future for what happened in the past? 

Also, stop getting with someone and trying to recreate a relationship you have seen before. That will never happen and will most likely fail. Why would you want a movie like relationship? Why would you want someone else’s relationship? What you don’t see is what happens when the cameras stop rolling and behind closed doors. You don’t see the actors going home because that is just a movie. You don’t see that “happy” couple arguing and fighting. 

I was in the psych ward and I was trying to sleep. It was bad enough it was only my second night. 

It was about 2 am or whenever time it was. We aren’t allowed to have personal belongings in our rooms. Suddenly I hear screaming. Not just any scream. Blood curdling scream. As if someone was being murdered. Then I hear all of the nurses run down the hall to his room. I get out of my bed and look down the hall to see whats going on. He is still screaming and now I hear thumps on the wall. As if he is slamming his head against it.

The nurses are rushing in to his room. I creep up toward the room and look through the door. There his is; screaming and clawing on his arms. They started to bleed. He is slamming his head against the wall. Two of the male nurses grab him while another female nurse injects him with i’m guessing a sedative. He is still screaming and they carry him out of the main doors. His screams get more distant and finally stop.

It was by far the worst experience I have ever had in my life.